E. Michael Harrington

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INNOVATIVE IDEAS FOR PRISON REFORM - the Right Way To Incarcerate

I WANT TO BE ARRESTED FOR SOMETHING AND GO TO JAIL if it can be where Bernie Madoff is jailed - his huge and beautiful Manhattan penthouse apartment. There are a few problems with this - I don't know how to get so many people to invest so much money with me. If I did, I wouldn't want to waste it and hurt them, even if meant getting to live in Bernie Madoff's Penthouse Apartment In Manhattan (PAIM). I also would not be extraordinarily talented or better than average at investing their money so that they could get a lot in return. But, still, I want to go to Bernie's PAIM. In fact, the fair thing to do would be to swap out prisoners. Bernie and I should trace places. He has to be confined to his place and cannot visit the best museums (MOMA, the Met, etc.), parks (Central Park), restaurants (Island Burgers, bars (Brazil Grill), clubs (The Bowery) and more.

Bernie will live in my AIPL (Apartment In Pompton Lakes) and I'll live in his PAIM. He can be confined here (I love it here, but also love leaving and coming back, except for all of the damn Cheney-ing traffic lights on Rt. 9A (AKA West Side Highway) on the West Side of Manhattan. West Side Highway!?!?! The West Side Strollway/Crawl Way would be a more appropriate. Bernie can't travel so he should stay here in my AIPL. I am allowed to travel but I could leave my car in my garage next to my AIPL, spare the roads of thousands of pounds of Acura at very high speeds eating up pavement, expelling pavement, dirt, grit and other particles form my exhaust into the NY/NJ air, and be a better citizen as a result. Bernie doesn't need a car, and I wouldn't if I moved into his PAIM thereby helping to clean up the world and improving both of our lives. He would benefit because he doesn't own my CD's, DVD's VHS's (remember those?), books and scores. I've also got some nice crystal glasses and I'll leave him as much rum, tequila and wine as he'd like. While I'm at it, I'll further educate him by letting him wear any of my Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics clothing. Even though he'd be wearing them in New Jersey (damn close to Manhattan) he'd not be harassed, harangued or harmed over this as he cannot go outside. I would have to struggle to acquire a new wardrobe but change is always good and I'd welcome the opportunity to buy some more Hell's Kitchen T-shirts and a suit or two.

I've read that Bernie's got a lot of jewelry. I don't think he should be able to enjoy all of his earthly goods. His jewelry should stay in his PAIM or better, be sold and the money should go to those he's harmed. But I can make him feel better as I am a hardcore passionate Santa Fe O'phile. Everytime I go to Santa Fe, I buy one, two or three very nice bolo ties. I've got a great collection of them but usually don't wear them because my friends always make fun of me when I do. But Bernie would be holed up in my AIPL. He wouldn't have to worry about his friends' humiliation. I'll leave him my bolo ties. He'll like wearing them, I'm sure.

THIS is making so much sense to me. I need to write to Bernie as this is a win-win situation. My AIPL would also serve as good transition from PAIM to penitentiary.

I can think of a lot more reasons now as to why Bernie should go to my AIPL and I should go to his PAIM. As Archie Bunker would say, "case closed."

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GEORGE W. BUSH..... I've got so much to say about his whining and classless press conference exit but I need to commingle tropical plants together and ingest (I'll try Dominican Republic rum and Dominican Republican oranges) and see what happens. It's surely better than wasting any more of those overly-pressed brain cells to think about G. Walker Bush.

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I FLY TO LOS ANGELES on Wednesday. YEA! Another tropical type place. 79 suburbs in search of a city!

I think I'll bring my prettiest bolo tie with me as Los Angeles is sort of the Southwest. Sort of.

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